Tuesday, May 8, 2007
program error
Boys, men are programmed to win. In order for them to win it has to be a competition. A game. A race. I haven't any patience for this behavior. I am all for a "GO GET'EM" kinda fellow, but one that plays with your mind and heart...as his way of expressing his need to win by making a game out of you, makes me sick. Just win me with your heart and mind. Show me how great you are. Not how mysterious you can be, or how confused you can get me. As a female I have not "gaming equipment". I don't have a program guide or the slightest idea how to play this game. Even if I did, I would not be about to play to win, just play enough to give them a run for their money??? Ugh, exhausting. Vomit. Why can't we call them when they are on our minds. Or text them something silly, for no good reason. What is it about us being comfortable that makes them uncomfortable. Let's try a little reality. I am a mom with 2 kids, when I play games they have a Board, and a little spinning piece in the middle to tell me how many spaces to move with little plastic figures to move all over the board. Those are the games I play. Not games involving humans. This coming from a female.
Monday, May 7, 2007
blah blah blah
Finding out my life is not as I hoped it would be by 30 is...well, not quite disheartening, but whatever is close to that. My choices alone, I am responsible for. I know my part in my life not being as I had dreamed and hoped. I also know and trust that God works all things out for me because I love him, and God doesn't lie. My "good" may not be his "good". Who am I to suggest to God what "good" is? He doesn't answer to me. He isn't my genie. I am his child, grafted into his heavenly family.
I didn't have the best parents, like most humans on this planet. I try not to let the fact that I never knew a Father's love affect/effect me. God is bigger than this. He knew my dad would not be any kind of Father to me. He knew my mom was young and hurting from her own issues, and often times had a hard time NOT teaching me the wrong ways to think about men (they were to be looked at and spoken of, but not experienced. They were dangerous and hurt "us", but they were nice to look at and dream about). Great mixture for a little girl. A dad that had to get drunk to call her, and a mom that made me ride the church bus and give offering at whatever local church she sent me to.
I just hoped...and then gave up. Then got married. HAHAHA. Boy, did I find out he wasn't anything I needed to be tied too a bit to late, for my liking.
The following paragraph was what I wanted and though I was getting-
Married to a man that seeks the truth and has a heart after God and desires to teach others and show Christ's love to all he encounters. A marriage that reflects Christ's relationship to the church, and vis versa. A home filled with love and hope. Living out what the bible talks about being in front of "our" kids to give them godly examples of real followers of truth. A husband that desires to train up "our" children in the way that they should go. To love me with a wild and intentional love only God could have placed in his heart...and I would respect him in all his choices, opinions and convictions. Take care of him and "our" children. Be involved in a church that is a real sanctuary of worship and teaches the truth, not a watered down version of a self righteous money hungry entrapment. Building and storing up our treasures in heaven, together. Raising "our" God-given children to know and be known by our savior. Show them the love and grace we have been shown. Reaching out to the unsaved, together. Loving, living, serving...together.
Well, together...huh! Funny. I can't "together" with no one. Ha. Seriously. I know God is here, and will never leave or forsake me...I know I am chosen and he loves me more than any husband or child could ever possibly. I also know it is better for 2 to fight together. Having each other's back and being there for each other in ways no one else can. Not getting married because "we are sooo cute together", but getting married to fulfill a purpose!
I don't know...I can't imagine there being a man out there...well I just won't finish that sentence. I can't put my hope in humans, only in God. My hope and trust.
I didn't have the best parents, like most humans on this planet. I try not to let the fact that I never knew a Father's love affect/effect me. God is bigger than this. He knew my dad would not be any kind of Father to me. He knew my mom was young and hurting from her own issues, and often times had a hard time NOT teaching me the wrong ways to think about men (they were to be looked at and spoken of, but not experienced. They were dangerous and hurt "us", but they were nice to look at and dream about). Great mixture for a little girl. A dad that had to get drunk to call her, and a mom that made me ride the church bus and give offering at whatever local church she sent me to.
I just hoped...and then gave up. Then got married. HAHAHA. Boy, did I find out he wasn't anything I needed to be tied too a bit to late, for my liking.
The following paragraph was what I wanted and though I was getting-
Married to a man that seeks the truth and has a heart after God and desires to teach others and show Christ's love to all he encounters. A marriage that reflects Christ's relationship to the church, and vis versa. A home filled with love and hope. Living out what the bible talks about being in front of "our" kids to give them godly examples of real followers of truth. A husband that desires to train up "our" children in the way that they should go. To love me with a wild and intentional love only God could have placed in his heart...and I would respect him in all his choices, opinions and convictions. Take care of him and "our" children. Be involved in a church that is a real sanctuary of worship and teaches the truth, not a watered down version of a self righteous money hungry entrapment. Building and storing up our treasures in heaven, together. Raising "our" God-given children to know and be known by our savior. Show them the love and grace we have been shown. Reaching out to the unsaved, together. Loving, living, serving...together.
Well, together...huh! Funny. I can't "together" with no one. Ha. Seriously. I know God is here, and will never leave or forsake me...I know I am chosen and he loves me more than any husband or child could ever possibly. I also know it is better for 2 to fight together. Having each other's back and being there for each other in ways no one else can. Not getting married because "we are sooo cute together", but getting married to fulfill a purpose!
I don't know...I can't imagine there being a man out there...well I just won't finish that sentence. I can't put my hope in humans, only in God. My hope and trust.
I Forget the Basics
Sometimes, I just can't breathe. It is usually because I forget to breathe. It seems natural enough to you. However, for me it's the opposite. Which is my main problem.
I do things in opposite fashion. For instance; when I meet someone for the first time I want to tell them everything. How my parents met, what became of them, all the schools I went to, my lost hopes and dreams...EVERYTHING. I have to fight this urge. Most people are content with others not knowing their past. I'll take it a step further and say that most people prefer others not knowing their past.
In my minds eye it makes sense to know up front every one's history (I don't believe that crap about...if you know everything up front you have nothing to look forward to, and if that's true then everyone is sad and boring!). Unintended to bore, frighten or turn them off; no, just the opposite...I want them to feel welcome in my world. To know me, and why I am the way I am. To feel safe with me. That they can trust me. That I am the friend that they can call to watch their dog, or pick them up at odd ungodly hours from the airport, cook them a steak dinner on a moments notice because the just lost their job, to pray with them for anything at any hour.
People have always said that I am easy to get to know and like. Now...that's not to say everyone loves me! Oh no...I am overwhelming, climactic, high strung, loud, obnoxious, funny, cunning, way too much at the most inopportune times, insanely goofy, and it takes special people to love me. As scary as I just described myself I am totally easy to love, in that I adore making people laugh, feel good about themselves, cooking and entertaining, loyal to a fault, always there for whoever needs a shoulder or ear, an encourager, strong for whoever needs me to be for them, caring deeply, and loving madly!
I am in a rush for people to know me, so I can hurry up and be their friend. Can you see now how I forget to breathe?
I do things in opposite fashion. For instance; when I meet someone for the first time I want to tell them everything. How my parents met, what became of them, all the schools I went to, my lost hopes and dreams...EVERYTHING. I have to fight this urge. Most people are content with others not knowing their past. I'll take it a step further and say that most people prefer others not knowing their past.
In my minds eye it makes sense to know up front every one's history (I don't believe that crap about...if you know everything up front you have nothing to look forward to, and if that's true then everyone is sad and boring!). Unintended to bore, frighten or turn them off; no, just the opposite...I want them to feel welcome in my world. To know me, and why I am the way I am. To feel safe with me. That they can trust me. That I am the friend that they can call to watch their dog, or pick them up at odd ungodly hours from the airport, cook them a steak dinner on a moments notice because the just lost their job, to pray with them for anything at any hour.
People have always said that I am easy to get to know and like. Now...that's not to say everyone loves me! Oh no...I am overwhelming, climactic, high strung, loud, obnoxious, funny, cunning, way too much at the most inopportune times, insanely goofy, and it takes special people to love me. As scary as I just described myself I am totally easy to love, in that I adore making people laugh, feel good about themselves, cooking and entertaining, loyal to a fault, always there for whoever needs a shoulder or ear, an encourager, strong for whoever needs me to be for them, caring deeply, and loving madly!
I am in a rush for people to know me, so I can hurry up and be their friend. Can you see now how I forget to breathe?
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