Finding out my life is not as I hoped it would be by 30 is...well, not quite disheartening, but whatever is close to that. My choices alone, I am responsible for. I know my part in my life not being as I had dreamed and hoped. I also know and trust that God works all things out for me because I love him, and God doesn't lie. My "good" may not be his "good". Who am I to suggest to God what "good" is? He doesn't answer to me. He isn't my genie. I am his child, grafted into his heavenly family.
I didn't have the best parents, like most humans on this planet. I try not to let the fact that I never knew a Father's love affect/effect me. God is bigger than this. He knew my dad would not be any kind of Father to me. He knew my mom was young and hurting from her own issues, and often times had a hard time NOT teaching me the wrong ways to think about men (they were to be looked at and spoken of, but not experienced. They were dangerous and hurt "us", but they were nice to look at and dream about). Great mixture for a little girl. A dad that had to get drunk to call her, and a mom that made me ride the church bus and give offering at whatever local church she sent me to.
I just hoped...and then gave up. Then got married. HAHAHA. Boy, did I find out he wasn't anything I needed to be tied too a bit to late, for my liking.
The following paragraph was what I wanted and though I was getting-
Married to a man that seeks the truth and has a heart after God and desires to teach others and show Christ's love to all he encounters. A marriage that reflects Christ's relationship to the church, and vis versa. A home filled with love and hope. Living out what the bible talks about being in front of "our" kids to give them godly examples of real followers of truth. A husband that desires to train up "our" children in the way that they should go. To love me with a wild and intentional love only God could have placed in his heart...and I would respect him in all his choices, opinions and convictions. Take care of him and "our" children. Be involved in a church that is a real sanctuary of worship and teaches the truth, not a watered down version of a self righteous money hungry entrapment. Building and storing up our treasures in heaven, together. Raising "our" God-given children to know and be known by our savior. Show them the love and grace we have been shown. Reaching out to the unsaved, together. Loving, living, serving...together.
Well, together...huh! Funny. I can't "together" with no one. Ha. Seriously. I know God is here, and will never leave or forsake me...I know I am chosen and he loves me more than any husband or child could ever possibly. I also know it is better for 2 to fight together. Having each other's back and being there for each other in ways no one else can. Not getting married because "we are sooo cute together", but getting married to fulfill a purpose!
I don't know...I can't imagine there being a man out there...well I just won't finish that sentence. I can't put my hope in humans, only in God. My hope and trust.
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